Category Archives: Humour

Human Resources

Also called Human Resources

“He knows exactly when to start walking away, anticipating the beginning of the ass-kicking session,but then something overpowers his intelligence and the car slots into reverse”

This is from a real conversation about real, really stupid people. People who I have had to work with. This is my Quote of the week, possibly month.

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Two bears, a Frog and Able John

Two Bears, A frog and Able John,

Built a boat to sail upon.

They built the hull from bark and string,

Then found a lake to sail it in.

The lake met the river, the river met the sea,

The bears stole honey, the frog ate the bees,

Able john found fishes, they sailed along at ease.

Till that fateful moment, early at dawn,

The bears farted, in sync and long.

Able John fell, crushed the frog’s legs,

The friendship was fucked.

The journey was gone.

For the love of purple berries

wine glass not included

I spied a bowl full of phalse when I opened the heavy doors of the refrigerator, looking for a bottle of h20.

Enticed by the crunchy centers and the tangy soft exterior of those purple berries I reached out and grabbed a fistfull to saté my midnight p90x fueled hunger.

Alas, given my sleep riddled constitution and the lack of room for a fist, I knocked the bowl, full of the goodness of phalse, off its hallowed perch in the cold confines off the refrigerator and watched in silent horror as the little berries made a spectacle and spread themselves all over the kitchen and the hall floor.

I then did what any phalse lover, worth his salt, would do.

I said “fuck it, the maid will clean this up in the morning” and went off to sleep.

True story.

Jersey Shore – Meet the Patels

I am going to admit, with great shame, that I am addicted to the wonders of Jersey shore, the show about jersey Guidos and Guidettes ( Wiki it for me, will ya?) hanging out by the shady meat market beach resort, seaside heights.

If you have seen the show, read bloody on, and if have not. Slap yourself in the face and download it like right now. It’s the illest dope. Seriously!

I think it’s the Jersey Shore effect, while I am not rushing out to buy myself a tanning bed or get a blowout haircut ( an appointment with the stylist is due today, decision time) I figured we should make another season of Jersey shore and instead of Guidos we should get the other dominant Jersey community to represent jersey style- Presenting, the Gujjus!
Yeah, the mighty Gujjus!  Lets gather a bunch of strapping Gujrati babas and babys , let them loose on seaside with a bunch of camera’s trailing them and show the Guidos how its done!
Here’s how I imagine the shit is going to go down :
All contestants arrive one by one mostly from Jackson heights and Edison, introductions let us know how good kids they are, doing paye lagu and receiving the blessings of their very happy and clueless parents .
Looks like everyone has packed thepla but insist that their moms put it there, how could they eat the thepla? They own the McDonald’s by the corner! They Frikking love burgers!
There shall be no mixed sex sleeping arrangements, mum might be watching and if televised, this will totally ruin your chances in the arranged marriage market.
That uncle’s wife’s sister’s sons cousin brother went to the same school as your neighbours kids. That makes you family, apparently similar ties now bind the group together. Much love.
The guys spend most of the day discussing stocks and real estate prices, which will decide where the next motel or dollar store will be located. Three guys will decide that the t-shirt salesman job is shite and will open a competing store right next door. The girls will work all day and prepare a 17 course Gujarati meal.

om nom nom nom nom

Clubbing? Nah. Everyone gets ready for the Dandia! You got the fist pump? We got sticks bitches!
Before they go out and set fire to this city, they pray to the original Gujju guido. Ashmit Patel.

Proud Indian guido, Gujju to boot.

The single men go out stalking the white chicks, Eh Wassup ? ssssanti chhe……??  Sadly The boys only have each other for company in the night.

look at us, we be rockin baby! Bouncing!

Yes people, this show writes itself, no scripting no directions pure unadulterated drama. And guess what, we’ll throw in an odd Punjabi, Bihari or Mallu guy. Just to see them tear each other apart.
Please watch on in horror as I pat myself on the back. Whatey Idea sirji!

Fetch Shera, Fetch!

 In the midst of the huge clusterfuck that the Delhi commonwealth games are promising to be, it seems all of us have forgotten a very important participant. The Mascot. The mascot of each games is the figurehead, the symbol of each games. Its responsibilities include motivating the hoards to actually do something to telling kids to stay in school and lay off the drugs. Mascots have been used to ferry athletes ( With disastrous consequences) and try to keep the blood thirsty mob entertained when the action gets too slow for their liking. Its ripe time, I suppose, to introduce you to the mascot for the 2010 Delhi games, Shera!
The makers of this cartoon had never heard of He-man
No not her but did they not know about He-Man?
Hes saying You gotta be kidding! He’s saying You gotta be kidding!

 The organising comittee guys dont think a lot, so they chose the obvious, A tiger and clad him in slumdog millionaire chaddi baniyan.  For the want of a proper budget they got a 5th grader to draw him and they gave him the most common name, for a dog. Whats more, he looks like he is flipping everyone off.

Here’s what the official release has to say ( Words in italic are mine):

As the true representative of India, Shera embodies values that the nation is proud of: majesty, courage, power and grace (while wearing rupa ki banian and lux ka underwear). He is also a reminder of the fragile environment he lives in(But yet acts cocky, flipping everyone off). He is the most visible face of the Delhi 2010, its key icon( Did you see that pedosmile? and those leering eyes?), and exhorts all citizens of India – young and old – to ‘Come Out and Play(A semi naked tiger is calling you out to play, dont you wanna join?),’ to participate proactively in making the Games a huge success( He is going to build the stadium by himself, while the IOC is busy mud wrestling).

Does anyone notice this tiger is baniyan is shrinking? Plus he looks famished, when was the last time he ate?

I’ll sign out leaving you with this video of our mascot.

 

 

 

Facebook status messages update

“Pradster says bisexual girls are the Nigerian scam of love!! “

Bill stickers is innocent!

Bill stickers is innocent and I agree 😉

Road rage!

I am convinced, all ppl on Delhi roads are animals! To give you some background i have just come back home after trudging 30 kms in an astounding 2 hours, and no it was not a crawl all the way there were sections where i hit 120 and i was doing 80 wherever possible. However the only thing managed to do was to get from one jam to another faster….
So many idiots holding a drivers license behave like cows on the road, like an unstoppable herd of wilderbeest plowing its way across the Savannah! I wish i had a sniper rifle or better a shoulder fired missile or even better a tank! an M1 Abrams would do just fine with its jet turbine propulsion, thank you !
I have however been on a zen trip…. Like all Indian who suck at what they do but still excel at handing advice, I shall dispense Tips to Control Road Rage!

Lets begin!!
  1. The best way to control your rage is to channel it! why bottle up inside? open your window and scream hysterically! not only will it make everyone else crap their pants, it will also clear your throat! Nothing boosts your reputation in the neighbourhood as the knowledge that you have trouble written all over your face. In case they cant read it, try a darker pen to write.
  2. Take a power nap, turn off your engines and turn the music up loud so the honking wont disturb you and go to sleep…wear this mask so that when the cars and tucks behind you want you to move and somebody really really angry walks up to you to check whats up, you can put the love of god back into them.
  3. More music, and remember to honk in tune….this helps transfer your rage to the other simians behind the wheels.
  4. Expert studies have proven that driving while waving the middle finger out of the window reduces stress by 34% however in certain unfortunate cases it is also known to reduce number of hands by 50% we want you safe, get your buddy to do it for you.
  5. Buy a truck, traffic jams will seem lengthier from your vantage point, but you will be able to squeeze in every possible/impossible opening without a care, your truck already looks crap and no one will leave the paint and metal that you scrape off from the other cars! In fact it might make you the man you wanna become, This morning i read something on the back of a truck which can only roughly translated as ” your Maruti is a soap case, the bus you drive is a woman, Ta Ta trucks are driven by men”
  6. Try this

And before you pick up your keys and free your mind, be good to your family…buy some insurance!

whatever you do, next time i turn up on the road, make way…or this is what I am going to do to you…..


peace!
Pradster out
!