I was surfing the deep trenches of the internet one fine evening when I cam across this experience narrated by the topsecretagent on her blog. I was reminded a discussion I had with a friend who worked tech support for IBM and that I had to post this…
The 10 Rules Of Computer Tech Support.
- voice mail options are to be changed every Monday to ensure that the customers must listen to ALL the endless options before being able to make a choice. NOTE: be sure to put “speak to a tech support team member” at the very end right after “if you need to order an instruction book in Swahili press 302”
- If the customer is calling with a software problem, immediately blame their hardware.
- In order to maintain good customer relations, only put callers on hold if you are taking a 15-30 minute coffee break. If you are taking a full lunch hour, take their number. Then throw it away and wait for them to call back.
- If the customer is calling with a hardware problem, immediately blame their software.
- Remember: to the customer you are god. A genius who is 100 times smarter than they will ever be. Feel free to talk down to them. NOTE : do not worry about answering questions from computer savvy nerds. Since they don’t call tech support, you will never have to answer a question you cant fake your way through.
- if you have no idea what the customers problem is , simply tell them “you obviously don’t have the latest upgrade” then instruct them to search for it on the web – that’ll keep them busy for months.
- if it turns out that the customer is calling with a valid problem that you already know about, say : “ I’ve never heard of that happening before, but I’ll ask a senior engineer, please hold” then after your coffee break , come back on the line and give vague , confusing instructions on how to fix it.
- Windows is the official scapegoat for any hardware of software problems a customer may experience. Microsoft has screwed up so many times that anybody will accept windows as a cause of their problem even if they run Linux.
- always be sure to ask the caller to list the other programs they’re using . when they name the 33rd one immediately blurt out “ oh there is your problem . that program isn’t compatible with ours.”
- As an absolute final resort: tell the customer that an upgrade that will fix everything will be available in two months. This will buy us enough time to work hard….to upgrade this excuse list!
Song I am playing in my head: Eleanor: low millions