May i help you?

I was surfing the deep trenches of the internet one fine evening when I cam across this experience narrated by the topsecretagent on her blog. I was reminded a discussion I had with a friend who worked tech support for IBM and that I had to post this…

The 10 Rules Of Computer Tech Support.

  1. voice mail options are to be changed every Monday to ensure that the customers must listen to ALL the endless options before being able to make a choice. NOTE: be sure to put “speak to a tech support team member” at the very end right after “if you need to order an instruction book in Swahili press 302”
  2. If the customer is calling with a software problem, immediately blame their hardware.
  3. In order to maintain good customer relations, only put callers on hold if you are taking a 15-30 minute coffee break. If you are taking a full lunch hour, take their number. Then throw it away and wait for them to call back.
  4. If the customer is calling with a hardware problem, immediately blame their software.
  5. Remember: to the customer you are god. A genius who is 100 times smarter than they will ever be. Feel free to talk down to them. NOTE : do not worry about answering questions from computer savvy nerds. Since they don’t call tech support, you will never have to answer a question you cant fake your way through.
  6. if you have no idea what the customers problem is , simply tell them “you obviously don’t have the latest upgrade” then instruct them to search for it on the web – that’ll keep them busy for months.
  7. if it turns out that the customer is calling with a valid problem that you already know about, say : “ I’ve never heard of that happening before, but I’ll ask a senior engineer, please hold” then after your coffee break , come back on the line and give vague , confusing instructions on how to fix it.
  8. Windows is the official scapegoat for any hardware of software problems a customer may experience. Microsoft has screwed up so many times that anybody will accept windows as a cause of their problem even if they run Linux.
  9. always be sure to ask the caller to list the other programs they’re using . when they name the 33rd one immediately blurt out “ oh there is your problem . that program isn’t compatible with ours.”
  10. As an absolute final resort: tell the customer that an upgrade that will fix everything will be available in two months. This will buy us enough time to work hard….to upgrade this excuse list!

Song I am playing in my head: Eleanor: low millions


6 thoughts on “May i help you?

  1. theothermichelle says:

    hahaha…that pretty much sums it up! Here’s one to add to your list: If you can’t figure out what the problem is, just tell the customer to refomat the hard disk. I was told to do that before, even though I told them I ran diagnostics and it was a problem with my video card.

    Great post! 🙂 –TopSecretAgent

  2. Lolly says:

    That’s only funny if you’re a tech support person!

  3. Keshi says:

    I like #8 and #9 hahahaha!


  4. Łóòň Ġãĺ says:

    Damn !!!

    How Mean Was That !!

    lolll i like #9 !!!

  5. shooting star says:

    great post

  6. Prax says:

    *grins* Customers, kasht-se-mar

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